A Thousand and one Jutsus
by Determined
Summary: Everyone knows Kakashi has mastered over a thousand jutsus. Some of them are cool, while others... read and see for yourself.
1. Chapter 1

_A Thousand and One Jutsus

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Kakashi has copied over a thousand jutsus. This is not a theory. It is a fact. To be precise, he knows one thousand and one jutsus.

Please do not ask how I know.

Many ninjas have been jealous of him, for this specific reason. But if they knew what kinds of jutsus Kakashi knew, they wouldn't be so jealous.

I, Determined, have unearthed ALL of Kakashi's jutsus. And after I read them all, I had to undergo massive plastic surgery so our silver-haired friend wouldn't find me.

But that's not the point.

Now I want to share them all. But I warn you...

Once you have read all 1001 of Kakashi's jutsus, you will have to get 7 nosejobs, 23 face lifts, and 51 buttock augmentations. It is the ONLY way he will not find you. If you get 7 nosejobs, 22 face lifts, and 51 buttock augmentations, KAKASHI WILL FIND YOU.

Seriously.

Let's start with the jutsus you DO know. And if you've seen most of them, you know 21.

(Skip this part if you have memorized all of his jutsus allready.)

I'll just list them here: Sharingan, Mangekyo Sharingan, Chindori, Raikiri, Kuchiyose: Doton: Tsuiga no jutsu, Fuja Hoin, Sennen Goroshi, Doton: Shinju Zanshu no Jutsu, Narakumi no Jutsu, Suiton: Suijinheki, Suiton: Suikodan no Jutsu, Suiton: Suiryudan no Jutsu, Suiton: Daibakufu no Jutsu, Mizu Bunshin no Jutsu, Shunshin no Jutsu, Kage Bunshin no Jutsu, Taiju Kage Bunshin no Jutsu, Kawarimi no Jutsu, Kuchiyose no Jutsu, Henge no Jutsu, and Hyoton: Ikkaku Hakugei (1).

(Okay, you can read now.)

No, I did not cut and paste all of these jutsus from Wikipedia, (who I would like to thank for letting me cut and paste all 21 jutsus Kakashi has shown to us throughout the series,) though that would be very possible.

BUT... did you know the side-effects of using these jutsus?

I thought so.

Y'see, everytime he uses the jutsus shown here, a fangirl GIGGLES. It doesn't matter what the girl is a fan of. Anyway, once the fangirl giggles, the giggle is telepathically sent to Kakashi. For example;

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_Kakashi: Chindori!_

_Random Anime Fangirl: has sudden urge to giggle MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!(2)_

_(Giggle is sent)

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Now you can imagine life is very difficult for Kakashi, considering his line of work. He has to use his jutsus practically every day!

And it gets worse.

The fangirl giggling has a side effect on Kakashi. It just so happens that he is allergic to telepathically-sent giggling. The allergic reaction is making his left eye red.

And you thought it was Sharingan. Shows how much you know.

Now you must think there is no possible way this could get any more unbearable. Again, it shows how much you know.

Now this might come as a shock to you, but Kakashi has a zit on his chin. And every time his left eye turns red, the zit gets bigger. So the only solution to this is by covering both his red eye and his zit with a mask.

It's the only way to keep himself looking pretty, after all.

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Well, I've just covered 21 jutsus. Only 979 more to go!

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You like? Please read and review!

(1) Only appeared in Naruto the movie

(2)muhahaha-ing is giggling, if you do it quietly.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the reviews! This chapter is dedicated to my inspiration, Daara of the Gessert. Daara is a real person. And she scares me. That doesn't stop me from glomping her.

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G'day mates.

Or good night, if you're reading this from 8:00 pm to 12:59 pm.

Anyway, last time we covered all of the jutsus shown in the anime/manga. In this and the following chapters, we will unravel the reasons why Kakashi doesn't use the rest of his jutsus.

Now I hope you've already gotten your 7 nosejobs, 23 facelifts, and 51 buttock augmentations from a trusty surgeon. Because this chapter is even more dangerous than the last. If even one of your 7 nosejobs, 23 facelifts, or 51 buttock augmentations somehow falls off, not only will he find you, he will burn. Your. Nosehairs. With. Cold. Water.

Please don't ask how that is even possible. Kakashi is more than capable. Trust me, I know. From experience. (-shudder-)

That's the last time I get a nosejob at Marty's...

Where was I? Oh yes. The jutsus.

Kakashi's hidden jutsus are listed into eight catagories; 100 specific gender-changing jutsus...

87 nose-twitching jutsus...

13 singer impersanator jutsus...

209 actor/writing jutsus...

91 ballroom dancing jutsus...

221chick-flick jutsus...

and 279 anime-crossover jutsus.

In this chapter, I will start with the shortest one: the singer inpersonation jutsus.

Some names are as listed here;

KageJessica BunshinSimpson No Jutsu: it creates hundreds of Jessica simpson lookalikes that are only good at flicking their hair.

BrittneySpearsringan: The user's eyes turn bright yellow and is then able to see through all of the singer impersonation jutsus. This trait is a side-effect of bragging about Sharingan, which only 3 people can use.

Madonnakyo BrittneySpearsringan: A stronger version of the BrittneySpearsringan. The user can now make their victims have incredible voices. an incident related to this was when Itachi Uchiha looked in a mirror when using his Madonnakyo BrittneySpearsringan. He sang like the Kalan Porter.

Unfortunately, this happened in front of a Kalan Porter fan club. Itachi was mobbed by rabid fangirls who painted his nails violet.

It was permanent.

To this day, the poor boy still tries to take it off.

(Waste of time, though. I applied 4 layers! MUHAHAHAHAHA!)

Jacko Sennen Goroshi: ( a.k.a., Thousand Years of Michael Jackson's nosejob's surgery process.) Self-explanatory.

The reason I only listed half, is because if I listed all of the singer impersonation jutsus, your eyes will bleed mustard.

Not blood. Mustard.

And I can't have my dear reviewers bleed mustard, can I?

Then your eyes won't be able to see the keyboard properly, and instead of writing,

"Omigosh! I love you're fics! I love you! Marry me! I'll buy you flowers! I can hardly await the next chapter! Please update! Please update! Please update! Please update! Please update! Please update! Please update! Please update! I stalk you! I know your name, number, blood type, hey even your DNA code! Please update! Please update! Please update! Please update! Please update!"

like you intend to, you write,

"Oh. My. Gosh. I hate your fics. I hate you. I wish I had a restraining order for this site against you. I'll buy you weeds. I can wait for the next chapter because I have blocked you. Please don't update! Please don't update! Please don't update! Please don't update! Don't stalk me, because I don't stalk you. Maybe someone else needs to know your name, number, blood type, hey even your DNA code. Please don't update! Please don't update! Please don't update! Please don't update!"

And that would make me very sad.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm so sorry for being late! I hope you enjoy!

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I lied to you.

You might not like face it, but I did.

Last chapter, I said Kakashi knew 221 chick-flick jutsus.

But he only knows 201.

HA HA!

Can't believe you fell for it. It must have been the big numbers.

Well, welcome to chapter three. I hope you have a relaxing experience here at Kakashi's proctology.

Oh wait, this isn't a proctology. This is a fanfic. Heh heh, sorry about that.

Anyway, in this chapter we learn about Kakashi's 100 specific gender-changing jutsus.

This might be a bit confusing to some readers. What's the use of creating a jutsu that changes your gender when you can use genjutsu? Why is there so many?

To tell you the truth, I have absolutely no idea.

Actually, I have one idea, but it involves bunny-shaped grenades, a piece of black string, and a fluffy kid's watch.

HA HA! I lied to you again!

You're so gullible...

Back to the story. When it says "specific gender-changing", it means certains things have to (or not) happen. For example, boy-changing jutsu #67. In order to become a red-haired blue-eyed 12 year old boy, you have to preform the ninja centerfold, while screaming "SUKI NA MONO WA SUKI DAKARA SHOUGANAI," and picking your left nostril with your pinky on a Tuesday in January, at 5:23 am.

Strangely specific, ne?

And it doesn't stop there.

Whoever said there was only two genders?

There's the traditional male and female. Then there's girly-boy, girly-girl, boyly-boy, boyly-girl, he-she, she-he, Haku (who is a gender all by himself), Sohma (the Sohma's from Fruits Basket), preppy...thing, jock-ish...thing, emo...thing, blob, calculator, candy worm, and finally lamp.

Yes, lamp is a gender.

ooOOoo

What?

Moving on. Some of you might be the curious type and would like to know about these jutsus. Since I'm nice, I'll list three of them and include an example of a person so you'll understand it easier.

But I warn you curious types.

Curiosity killed the nin-cat with ninety-four scented markers because it stole his copy of Icha Icha Paradise.

Or was that Kakashi?

Never mind.

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Jutsu 1; Deceased Haku no Jutsu: This jutsu turns you into a dead Haku with a couple of bruises. To do this, you must be soaking wet with lamp-flavored ramen, hopping on your right foot, while flapping your arms like a chicken. But you can't do this in the summer of 2032, or it won't work. This jutsu has been preformed by only one person besides Kakashi (who did this when he was bored).

Haku.

Don't believe me? Fine. Read it yourself.

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Haku: Naruto. Kill me. You are obviously stronger. I am a broken tool. Blah blah blah blah blah..."

Naruto: (Eating lamp-flavored ramen) What was that? (Starts walking towards Haku) Did you say something? (Slips on a...nin-cat) Whoops! (Ramen falls on Haku)

Haku: Oh my Akito! You ruined my new battle costume! I spent all of my bounty payment on this! I'm soaking wet! (Turns to Zabuza's and Kakashi's fight) But this isn't important right now! I have to save my master!

Zabuza: (Losing) Argh... it seems I'm on the verge of death...

Haku: (Appears) Zabuza-san!

Kakashi: Chindori!

Somewhere out there...

Panic at the Disco! fangirl: (Sudden urge to giggle) Hee hee...

Back to the fight

Kakashi: Ow my zit! Oh well. At least I my attack is rapidly heading towards him.

Haku: Oh no! Zabuza-san, the chindori attack is rapidly heading towards you! But don't worry, I just so happen to be immune to lightning-based jutsus! (Jumps in front of Zabuza)

Zabuza: Just in case you accidently die, could you please hop on your right foot and wave your arms like a chicken while you're at it? I've always wanted top see you do that.

Haku: Sure, why not. But I'll only do it for a brief second, which would be impossible to see with the human eye. (Starts hopping on one foot and waving his/her/it's arms like a chicken)

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You know the rest.

Jutsu 2; "Fox whiskers on a boy that will last for the rest of his life" no jutsu. This turns you into a fox-whiskered ninja boy. The whiskers will last until you die. In order to do this jutsu, you must be a person, be born in Konoha, have a tragic past of ridiculement and abandonment, adore ramen, have a demon sealed inside of you, and finally have a desire to be Hokage.

Yes, Kakashi knows this jutsu. He does have whiskers on his cheeks.

But not the face kind.

You know...

the **other kind.**

Uh huh. That kind.

Jutsu 3; Green lava lamp no jutsu: This jutsu turns you into a green lava lamp. To preform it, you must chant "Nin-nin" 342 times while playing the an extremely difficult piano piece with a nose flute. Kakashi himself invented it. He's never told anyone about this, though. I can't imagine why.

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Well? Read and review! 


	4. Chapter 4

I. HAVE. UPDATED. 

Be afraid.

...Very afraid.

Thank you to Delbi18 who wrote a review that informed me of a major flaw in chapter 1. Chindori and Ragiki were NOT the same jutsu.

(sob)

...WIKI LIED TO ME! WAH!

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I'm sorry I'm not honest.

I'm also sorry that you're so gullible!

Actually I'm not sorry at all! So ha!

Remember when I said there were seven secret jutsus?

...I lied.

There's an eighth jutsu that I won't talk about until I want to.

So there.

Ha.

Forgot to mention...your dad.

Lol!

Ahem, let us move on. I'm POSITIVE you all want to know about his 91 ballroom dancing jutsus.

...Right?

Well, it doesn't matter if you don't because I'm gonna write about them anyway. SO HA! IN YOUR DISFIGURED FACE!

...Anyway, here is a short list of the different kinds of jutsus in this catagory;

Waltzy Shark no jutsu: Makes the nearest man shark dance the vieneese remarkably well. Only do-able if it's a full moon and your mom told you to clean your room, but you say no, so then she calls your brother, but he annoys you, so you poke him with a fork.

For example;

_Itachi: (being emo in his room)_

_Itachi's mom: (barges in) UCHIHA ITACHI! When was the last time you cleaned your room!_

_Itachi: Oh I don't know...I'm too busy writing depressing love notes to myself to even notice. (Looks out of window) What a beautiful full moon..._

_Itachi's mom: Young man, clean it now!_

_Itachi: ...No._

_Itachi's mom: Do it or I'll...call Sasuke!_

_Itachi: (horrified) Oh mom, please no! I'll do it, I promise!_

_Itachi's mom: (evil smirk) Too late...(pokes head out of Itachi's door) OH SASSY-CHAN! Your big brother wants you!_

_Sasuke: (hears mom and perks up) N-Ni-san w-wants me! NII-SAN I'M COMING!_

_Itachi: Oh Akito no..._

**(Cue horror music)**

**Dun dun dun dun...**

_Itachi's mom: (disappears in a puff of smoke)_

_Sasuke: (inside room) NII-SAN! (glomps) Do you need me to help you clean your room nii-san? I'll do anything for you nii-san! Anything! NII-SAN! NII-SAN! NII-SAN! NII-SAN! NII-SAN! NII-SA-_

_Itachi: (jabs sharp fork into Sasuke's mouth)_

_Sasuke: Ow! Nii-san that hurt! Don't worry nii-san, I still love you!_

_Itachi: (rolls eyes) I swear I'm gonna kill everyone in this family one day...except you, for some vague reason._

**A million miles away...**

_Kisame's mom: Kisame! when was the last time you cleaned your aquarium?_

_Kisame: Leave me alone..._

_Kisame's mom: (rolls eyes) whatseverevereverever...(goes away)_

_Kisame:Finally...(a poof of smoke suddenly surronds him) The heck? I have the sudden urge to dance remarkably well...(does the waltz)_

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Next on the list;

ShambalaSambadori: Forces a random person from the world of Shambala to do the Samba.

Only happens if you preform the hand signs tiger, rabbit, monkey 2435643 times.

This only happened twice. Once on Envy Monster by Kakashi in his spare time and on Ed at a birthday party for Roy by Orochimaru.

Yes, these two have a lot of time on their hands.

No, I do not have pictures of Ed or Envy doing the Samba.

But I do have a picture of Wrath singing "I feel pretty."

Not gonna show it you, though.

So HA! IN YOUR DISFIGURED FACE!

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Lastly is HokeyPokeyArtickokey no jutsu.

Only concivable if you have a grandfather named Sasuke. And he sings in the shower. And the shower just so happens to be filled with "I love Naruto" wallpaper. And if your dad goes out wearing tights. Baby blue tights.

What it does is makes you constantly be surrounded by idiots.

Kakashi unfortunately had this jutsu preformed on him ever since he was born.

Sad, isn't it?

One of the side effects is a tendency to do the hokey pokey to Numa Numa.

You put your left foot in...

What? Everyone does it!

So HA! IN YOUR DISFIGURED FACE!

That's getting old.

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Enjoy. or Else. I'll dance.


	5. Chapter 5

Super nin updating power! Fuah! 

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Hello fellow fangirls/boys/objects. Welcome to Mcdonalds. Can I take your order?

Moving on...

In this chapter, we will introduce some of Kakashi's greatest jutsus.

The anime crossover jutsus.

...Prepare for **MASSIVE NOSEBLEEDS.**

...I'm serious. Go on, get your washcloth, tissue paper, and the likes.

**...What?!? Why aren't you going?!? Do you want to bleed all over the keyboard, and then when your mom/dad comes home and sees the blood, thinks you were cutting yourself and sends you to Re-Conformist's Middle School for Lamps, and while you're there you meet an albino rooster that tries to eat your eyelashes?!?**

...You do? All righty.

Some names for the anime Crossover Jutsus are;

Super Uke no Jutsu: This jutsu turns the user into a random pretty, submissive boy from a random anime whenever the user does the hand seals booger, bunny, tiger, heart, panda, and slipper.

An example is when Sasuke ACCIDENTLY turned himself over to Orochimaru.

**Flashback to Sasuke's kitchen, drinking tea with Oro:**

_Sasuke: I'm so glad you could visit Orochimaru._

_Oro: Anytime, babycakes._

_Sasuke: . . . . . . ._

_Oro: Oops...did I say that outloud?_

_Sasuke: (Nods Slowly, eyes fixed on Oro.)_

_Oro: Heh heh...well, this is akward...how am I gonna convince you to join my side so that I can use your body now?_

_Sasuke: (sputtering) U-Use my bo-body?!?_

_Oro: My bad. Hee hee...anyhoo, will you join my side anyway?_

_Sasuke: You're not serious, are you?_

_Oro: Well..._

_Sasuke: Whatever...I'm gonna practice my hand shadows. (Takes out a lamp) Heh heh..._

_Oro: (gets an idea) Why don't you try booger, bunny, tiger, heart, panda, and slipper, all in the same order?_

_Sasuke: (bored) Why not? (does it) What the heck? (Is surronded by smoke for a few moments) AHHH!!! (Smoke clears, and reveals...SASUKE POSSESED BY MOMIJI SOHMA!)_

_Momiji: Ano...what happened to my body? More importantly, where's my candy?!?_

_Oro: Hello random submissive boy! I'll give you candy if you sign this contract stating that the body signing this must be my slave forever and ever!!!_

_Momiji: Ano...what kind of candy?_

**END FLASHBACK**

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Next is an extremely important jutsu. KAZE NO FLASHBACK JUTSU!!

It happens when a light breeze of methane passes the user, and then the user has to endure 12 to 56 minutes of a meaningless flashback of something that happened 10 to 56 minutes before. An extremely good example is the battle between Haku and Naruto, but if we delve into that, you would be bored to crystalized tears.

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Then, there's the Stereotypical Anime no condition. It's a rare condition that you get if you sneeze 33 times in a row. It makes the user utter the same word/phrase every 10 minutes.

For example, this is what a normal person would say.

**"We should go out for ramen."**

A person with stereotypical Anime no condition would say:

**Neji: By fate, we must fatefully go out and fatefully eat ramen. With fate.**

**Shikamaru: We should troublesomely go out to troublesomely eat ramen. But you should stay here, because it would be too troublesome to pay for your troublesome ramen.**

**Sakura: CHA! We should like CHA tottally CHA go out for CHA ramen, Sasuke kun! CHA!**

**Naruto: We should BELIEVE IT go out for BELIEVE IT ramen! And Sakura, I'll get ramen with you if Sasuke doesn't! BELIEVE IT!**

**Sasuke: . . . (Too emo for comment)**

**Rock Lee: Us youth should youthfully go out for youthful ramen!**

See? Aren't they crazy?

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This is probably the scariest of them all.

**OTAKU NO SUMMONING JUTSU!!!** (Cue eerie music)

There are so many fangirls in anime...Renge and other Ouran schoolgirls from Ouran High School Host Club, Fruit Basket's schoolgirls from Fruit Basket, and many, MANY OTHERS.

This jutsu...SUMMONS THEM ALL.

And it happens...anytime a bishonen does something that EXTREMELY LIFE CHANGING.

...For example, taking out the trash, doing the dishes, combing their hair, etc.

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So dear ones, tune in next time for "KAKASHI'S CORNER!!!!" (Cue Barney Music)

Heh heh...this chapter sucks...

Review!


	6. Chapter 6

Stop- Ninja time! Can't touch this. 

Heh heh..this was written BEFORE American Idol started...

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If you love somebody, better set them on FIRE!!!!! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!

And since I love you guys so much for reviewing...BURN BABY!!!!!!!!! WOO!!!!!!!

This...is American Idol.

...No really. It is. I'm writing from Simon Cowell's laptop at the judge's panel. See? (Points to Paula's coke bottle.) Hn, I wonder...(sniffs inside of bottle.) Yep, definetely vodka.

Anyhoo, the reason I'm here is because we're already halfway done Kakashi's secret jutsus, making it easier for him to find me. (Kakashi's got m3d c0mput3r h3ck1ng sk1llz.) The secret location of Anericam Idol's studio is my only safe haven.

What'd you say? That the studio's location in Hollywood is common knowledge?

...Well f(beep)k.

Moving on...

In this chapter of A Thousand And One Jutsus, we will be exploring the secret world of Kakashi's 87 nose twitching jutsus.

Yeah that's right. I made a chapter all about the funny motions your sniffer does. Try and stop me.

And don't you dare press that report for abuse button. 'Cause I WILL cry. And you don't want me to cry. 'Cause I will cry so hard that it'll soak your computer screen. So there.

Ha.

...But I digress.

Now some of you may wonder, how can nose-twitching possibly be a useful jutsu.

Well it isn't. At all. But Kakashi was bored, so he learnt them.

Some names for the nose-twitching jutsus:

Shakespere no nose jutsu! This jutsu gives the user MaD nose writing SK!LLZ for 66 minutes. This means that their nose turns into a magic pencil with PWNSOME writing skillz. After the alloted time period, the user will have no recollction of the incident. Shakespere no nose is preformed whenever the user is drunk, bored, and probably on crack/weed/heroine/dandelions.

An example is the ever famous Jiraiya. He wrote the ever famous Icha Icha Paradise: Rock LeexEveryone while preforming the jutsu.

Also, I am preforming this jutsu. RIGHT NOW.

Like srsly.

One of the most...odd jutsus is the DDR no nose jutsu. this jutsu lets the user's nose become an expert on DDR. Sad thing is, they don't make noses to be unbreakable. After using this jutsu, the user's nose is probably broken beyond repair. Sadly, you'll have to get a prosthetic nose just to fit in with the geeks at school. Forget about popularity. Well...there is the possiblity of being famous at an Anime Cons...

As you may know, Kiba and Akamaru are very close. BUT...

DO YOU KNOW WHY?????????

...Unless you saw some filler which I have neglected to watch. :(

Anyway, the reason why Kiba's clan is so close to dogs is because a realllllllllllllyyy long time ago, before you were born, (unless you're 565678 years old. In that case, my apologies), one of Kiba's ancestors, Rlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrl Inuzuka was bored. And because he was bored, he started sniffin' random things 'cause he was a Sniffaholic. Soooo Rlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrl sniffed everything. He sniffed flowers, ninjas, birds, birds poop, something that looked like raisins but wasn't, robots, UFOS, grass, mushrooms, cowboys, cosplayers...

...until he sniffed the best sniff a sniffer had ever sniffed in the records of sniffs...

It was the smell...

OF DOG.

You see, they didn't have dogs from where the Inuzukas were from (They were from the village of Dane Cook) and they just moved to Konoha. Rlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrl was so ASTOUNDED by the smell of dog, that he bounded off towards the source of the dog smell.

The dog in question was the GREAT AMAZING STUPENDOUS INUYASHA!!!!!!!

Well...not the half-breed Inuyasha. Just some otaku's dog.

Anyway, you may be wondering what this has to do with the story. Well...

...it has nothing to do with the story. Yeah.

...What was I saying again?

Oh yeah...just keep swimming, just keep swimmin', just keep swimmin' swimmin' swimmin'...

Finally, we come to the Please State Your Password No Nose jutsu. You preform this by joining www.RLRLRLRLLRLRLRLRRLLRLRLRLRLRLRL.capcommie. everytime you try signing in Sakura's voice (who is the current spokesperson) emitts from your nose.

"Please state your password." She will say.

Then, you will state your password. However, it has to be stated. Not questioned, not yelled, not whispered. Stated.

...Sakura's a meanie. :(

Too bad she was voted to be Konoha's Idol. she wasn't nearly as good as Shino. His love ballad on bugs...(sniff). Left me speechless, yo.

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See you next time...MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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